


A Horrid Throwback

by OM3N17783



Category: BattleBlock Theater, Castle Crashers (Video Game), Pit People (Video Game)
Genre: Shitpost AU, also a bit of alien hominid but . shhhhhhh, also features quite the cast of OCs, characters will be added as i go tbh there's a lot, one of which being the main character, sometimes honeykiss tho [does the macarena], this is gonna be a strange one fellas, this mostly is gonna be told bbt narrator style
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:27:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29794674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OM3N17783/pseuds/OM3N17783
Summary: My friend, my bf, and I had this AU that started off as just about Castle Crashers characters with a dash of Hatty and then it slowly crescendo'd into an AU with the whole Behemoth game universe (kinda) . I had the idea to post the whole timeline of the AU as a story, but my motivation for these kinds of things are usually slim so bare with me. The main idea was basically strange interpretations of the characters based on specific shitpost-y headcanons, so if this lasts more than a chapter or two it's gonna be a long rollercoaster ride!!





	1. A Quick Un-BEAR-able Backstory (Narrator)

Oh, I get it! Because of the- Yes! It all makes sense now..

[Crunch, crunch]

...

[Crunch]

AHEM!!

Well, that was the end! Everyone was buckling their pants, drinking hot chocolate, and having a swell ol' time with their vegetable friend doing a little "Underwater Boogie" as the cool fish say. But our story doesn't end just yet, I'm afraid. There was another force underwater, and an angry one at that! This force didn't WANT to buckle THEIR pants, ohh no, not at all... They've lived in the confinements of the hat for quite a long time now! And they go by the wretched name of...

CEREAL.

That's right, this unkind un-gentleman was named Cereal! It was mostly decided by the foolish folks who summoned him foolishly enough to name him like he was some sort of pet dog. He didn't like the name, but according to Weirdo Demon Law, it was now his legal name! The name itself made him angry, given his power among the other lost souls in this dapper claustrophobic belt of a prison. This day, for whatever reason, was his absolute LIMIT though! He started to glow all.. Green, and stuff. Like a glow stick, or radioactive material of some sorts. The rest of the souls in this hat didn't like it one bit, everyone trying to calm him down and circling him.

"No, nonono!"

"Cereal, wait a moment!"

"You don't know what that could do, blabbity blah blah blah.."

In the end, it didn't stop the madman. All his anger took the form of a giant laser beam that burned through the ceiling! Which for the non-hat trapped soul world, would be through his hat and directly into space! God knows how many lightyears that thing shot, but what we do know is that this was only the beginning of awful events to come! Nothing to bad as of now, though.. Besides the ship crash. Maybe a bear's spouse or two got hit...

Okay, no, it was very very bad.

Cereal could feel the ground shake from outside. When looking through the eyes of our fallen friend, he saw nothing but dark brown fur and grid-shaped cracks as the sea slowly started to turn a green color. He may or may not have been the cause of that, who knows! Could've been ANOTHER mystery laser.. By the sounds of it though, he needed to get him and his friends out of here as soon as possible! Things were rocking left and right and a loud angered roar was heard as everything turned into a very green kaleidoscope of CHAOS! There was only one solution to this, and it was Cereal's old friend Mr. Demonic Possession! He tried keeping this on the low for most of his stay in the hat, but this needed to be done NOW. And now did he do it! Cereal quickly took control of Hatty and searched for the nearest exit. Amidst the chaotic state of the ocean, he saw a green portal! How lucky for him!

He quickly dove into it despite all the other souls desperately telling him not to aaaannnd...

* * *

Well, on one hand he could breathe! On the other, the landing was very... Harsh. He couldn't hear the usual voices of the other souls. He even called out to them, but it appears it was just him and the vessel of Hatty Hattington. While failing to recognize this was absolutely his fault, he took a quick look at his surroundings. Cereal appeared to be in some sort of castle.. Looked quite old and dusty, but had a collection of modern posters and such plastered over it as far as the hallway he was in could go. A few different colored doors with different symbols and such on them were on the right side of the castle, whilst on the right side there were various abstract pieces of stained glass to align with them. Before he could snoop through them though, he heard a voice from behind...

"Excuse me, sir?"

"ACK-" Cereal swiftly turned around to face the mystery man. It... Wasn't exactly what he expected to see, though.

The fellow behind him was dressed in a pink knight's uniform with a few rhinestones crudely and randomly placed on the shoulder pads and gloves. Around their wrists were various neon bracelets in different neon colors that seemed to be handmade, matter of fact the entire PIECE seemed to be handmade. They lacked a helmet, leaving a slimy slug-like head with a few rhinestones and a popsicle stick stuck inside. As a whole, they smelled strongly of cheap kids strawberry perfume, but every breath close to them felt... Humid. Like some sort of area of effect of vapor or spores. Whatever it was, it calmed him down a little. The thing was kind of cute in a very messed up "what is that thing, haha!" way. They spoke again,

"Howdy! Sorry to scare ya, are you new here by any chance?"

"I uh.." Cereal looked around nervously, "Why, yes! Yes I am.."

"Oh, sweet! We always love new company, are ya looking for the party?"

"Mm-Sure! Yes, the.. Party."

"Oh! Lemme show ya the way, then!"

"Wha-" The knight took his hand and ran down the corridors, from the corner of his eye he saw a slightly open door with a pillow room labeled "PINK".


	2. You've been invited! You're at the party! (Narrator)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [It's always sunny title card theme] This is where the strange crossover bit comes into play!

Upon opening the doors, the pink knight tossed Cereal into a whole group of different colored knights! All of them having a very.. Strange feature to them. No one appeared to be normal apart from the princesses chatting in the back at a table, though one seat from them seemed to be open. Not like Cereal really had any interest in girls, that was just an odd observation. While he was still on the ground taking in where exactly he was, the orange knight kneeled down and offered to help him up.

"Sup." The knight was somehow able to make facial expressions, despite their entire head being a flaming skull. Which, full disclosure, is absolutely TERRIFYING in my opinion. 

"Ah! Haha.. Why uh- Hello there!" Cereal was trying to process what was in front of him, but it got even worse as a robot in a red knight's uniform came into the picture.

"Yoo, who's the new guy around here?" They looked excited, but that excitement immediately converted itself into high volts of electricity surrounding the fellow. "Lookin' dapper there, duderino!"

"Well, I-" Just as Cereal was about to take the orange one's hand, a satyr lady knight with long blue hair peeked out from behind them.

"A-Are they okay?" Her voice had a strong reverb to it, like a dark ice cave of sorts.

"Yeah yeah, just a little confused is all. Give the dude some space." The orange knight helped him up finally. "The name's uh- Well, hah, if you couldn't tell already, Orange. Howzabout you, mystery man?"

"Ce-" He paused, realizing he'll have to let this body go after a while. The possession can only last so long before consequences kick in. "Hatty.."

"Hatty, huh?"

"Y-Yes. Hatty... Hattington." God, even if the dude was real his name even sounded like a fake name, especially with a lack of confidence.

"Cool." He smiled, despite looking like Ghost Rider he was very nice to him. "You can sorta guess everyone's name here by color, except for maybe this dude named Blacksmith? Veeerrryy likely you won't come across him though."

But with the power of.. Something. Irony, is it? Gah, whatever, Blacksmith busted down the door. Pink looked excited next to him, barely making up half his size. He had a cape that was animated, fading away from him like black smoke or clouds of ash. With a low, quiet growl, he spoke.

"..We have a problem.."

"Shit, really? Already?" Orange pat Cereal's back, "On the dude's first day?"

"It's not that far from here, but we should likely act fast.."

Pink chimed in, unsheathing what looked to be a giant lollipop. "Those strange bear folk are back at it again in the forest! Working with some new fellas we haven't seen before, looks like they're trying to bring attention to the space bear up there!"

"Which we CANNOT allow."

Blacksmith glared at Cereal specifically, for whatever reason. He just responded with a slow nod, leaning a little closer to Orange out of fear. Orange nudged him off a little to go and grab his helmet.

"Sounds like a dealio to me."

Everyone else seemed quite chill with this fact, but the singular "bear" in "space bear" freaked Cereal out a little. That implied quite a few things, but mainly the fact that whatever portal he jumped through was one that went directly into the FUTURE. That was a fact that he, indeed, did NOT like. Nonetheless, everyone was out the door and ready in the few minutes he was making this realization.

* * *

Pushed by the sea of knights, he ended up running to the forest with Orange. Which was chill... Mostly chill, as chill as you can get with a dude with a flaming head. Which was chill for, what, 5 minutes up until he noticed a lady in the distance. She had a few pieces of knight's armor like the rest, but had a few other magical items strapped around her waist with a long flow-y dress. She had long mint green hair, which appeared to be a DIY dye job going off the strands of white and green-ish blonde along with it.

"Minty!?" Orange exclaimed, he didn't seem happy despite her looking quite equipped to fight the bears up ahead. She shushed him as they got closer, pointing to the bears behind the bush she was at.

"Orange, now is not the time to lecture me about tagging along.. I know what I'm doing." Turning around, she had some sort of goggles on her that had various texts floating in the lenses. Whatever they were, they were quite unreadable being reversed from their end.

"Now isn't really the time we can HAVE you tag along like this, either!" Orange harshly whispered, "We're dealing with some crazy magic shit, it sounds like! You don't even KNOW any magic yet, I'm sure..."

"Oh, sure I do!" Minty shuffled through her bag, taking out a pair of bright red gloves. They appeared to be made by large scales, presumably a dragons. "Been practicing some fire magic with those books you leave laying around in front of your room."

Orange pinched the bridge of where his nose would be, "YOU were the one taking those books..?"

"Ah- Pardon me for interrupting, who is this?" Cereal chimed in, more confused than a cat being picked up for the first time."

"Shit, where's my manners?" She stood up, taking a glove off to shake Cereal's hand. "The names Hydra, though everyone around here likes to call me 'Minty'. Are you new to the gang?"

"Very much so..." Cereal shook her hand weakly.

"Coolio, just lay low and you should be good. Anyways, check this!" She put the glove back on and turned to the bears guarding some sort of makeshift gate made of twigs. She rubbed her hands together before firing a huge fireball at them, bigger than she intended but just enough to wipe the two bears out. Orange had his head in his hands, as if that was the one thing he was hoping he wouldn't see her do.

"Minty... This was supposed to be a stealth mission..." He said behind his gloves.

"Really?" Cereal tilted his head, he didn't hear anything about that! I mean, nor did he really hear anything amongst the chatter of a bunch of scrambling rainbow knights either...

"Too bad you were too late to discuss that with me, then." Minty shrugged walking past the now burned bush. She tossed a small red vial to Orange before proceeding on the mission on her own. Cereal ended up catching it due to Orange's immeasurable disappointment.

"Was.. She not supposed to be here?"

"No." Orange said sternly, "Not at all. She wasn't even supposed to be taking the position as a knight even.."

"Really?"

"Let's just get going before this forest turns into a mess of ash and embers." Orange started walking, Cereal following from behind cautiously.

Yes, Minty wasn't exactly supposed to be here, but it was classic Minty fashion to be chiming into these missions! Since the rescue of her four sisters, she's been wanting to try and make a difference. She wanted to defend herself and others from whomever the next intruder would be. She didn't like the idea of being swung around till the same fellows in shining armor would come to rescue her time after time, so she decided to "join" everyone else as a knight. Not many people objected to this, but that didn't mean she caused trouble during all of it. It wasn't exactly her fault, though. She just needed a bit more training... Unfortunately though, she is too stubborn to go through that again. Now she's here! And I mean, hey! She cleared out a path for everyone else at least.. Kind of...

...Yeah!

Mm-Anyways! The two caught up with the rest of the group, all still in their positions to ambush which was... Weird. He could've sworn they would be fighting by now, but immediately understood when he saw who else was with the bears.

A small child was sitting in the area of the circle they drew on the ground with a giant bear's paw on it. They appeared to be drawing some sort of doodle in crayons, and monitoring them alongside the bears was a bored looking lady in golden armor. Not like the rest of the knights, she appeared to be from another castle. She had curly red hair and very judging brown eyes as she leaned on a flag she's yet to place anywhere.

"Hurry up, would you? We're about to get dog piled if you take any longer.." She sighed, not paying any attention to the knights.

"Wh.. What?" Orange looked at the kid, very VERY confused.

Minty bumped into them teasingly, "Yeaaah, we gotta hold this till he's out of the picture."

"Oh NOW you're treating this like a stealth mission!"

"Who said I was doing that? I'm doing what the cool kids call have morals, thank you-"

"Okay!" The kid gave a thumbs up as the circle lit up and he slowly walked out of it.

The minute he did though, Minty went straight for everyone else.

"OHHH **NO YA DON'T**!" Her voice suddenly sounded very growl-y, that of a dragon. Everyone else started the ambush, an immediate fight ensuing.

Cereal stayed back, unsure of what his role would be in this. All he could do is look shocked across the battlefield towards the lady in golden armor. Both of them had about the same expression of shock and confusion plastered on them as everything got wilder than wild. But when the ground shook, any bear that wasn't taken down immediately retreated. Alongside them, she also retreated with the kid. Not before giving a quick peace sign, though! 

Everyone was confused at the immediate retreat until a giant paw grasped them and the child's drawing, taking them all up into space. The voice of the bear sounded tired, annoyed, overall just had every unenergized equivalent to every negative emotion attached to it.

"What... Do you want..." He snarled before looking at the group. "More importantly, who the hell are you to be interrupting my BEAUTY SLEEP!?"

"Mmm Pardon?" Pink tilted their head, who was sitting on the shoulders of Blacksmith. "Beauty sleep?"

"Yes- Wha- Why the hell did you send that ANNOYING signal up here!?" 

"I'm afraid that wasn't us, sir." Minty stretched, seeming quite chill for someone who just got launched into the empty vaccuum that is space. "If it calms ya down a bit, some kid wanted to try and send this through it." She tossed the bear the drawing, it appeared to be a doodle of the little kid and the bear having a comically large cone of ice cream.

"Is.. This from Hansel?" He raised a brow.

"Maybe, I dunno. You're Honeykiss, right? I'm getting that ri-"

"HONEYKISS-"

Cereal wheezed, covering his mouth. He was trying not to laugh at that name, even if he had no room to. Unfortunately, that brought everyone to a terrified halt. Pink kept signaling him to shut up, but he ended up cackling louder than he should've.

"I- I'm sorry, oh my god-"

"And who are you to laugh at me?" The bear went back to his more aggressive tone.

"I.. Well- Actually uh-" 

Silence. The bear grinned, taking the picture with one of his other paws.

"Well, I think it's time for you all to leave! I do believe I have to discuss a few things with a blueberry farmer or two! And you likely have some more knightly duties to attend to, **DON'T YOU**?" The paw they were all in closed up a bit.

"Dude.." Orange whispered to Cereal, he sounded mortified. "You just fucked us over so much it's unreal-"

" **SAYONARA!!!** "

The bear threw them back onto earth, everyone in a different direction. In a panic, Cereal quickly went to grab onto one of the knights during the fall. He grabbed Blue by the hoof but was immediately kicked to Minty, farther from everyone else.

"AS.. For the drawing, I'll be keeping it for.. Archiving reasons, yes." His voice echoed as everyone was expected to land in a random area.

For Cereal and Minty, it would be into a grim floating castle..


End file.
